Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Hermaphrodite swimmer “lady”

There’s this “lady” on my swim team. “Lady” only b/c she uses the women’s locker room instead of the men’s one. She’s a twig of a woman and well, not very pretty, with a very whiny nasally voice, that ironically isn’t far off from SNL’s Pat character. Her haircut looks like someone took a bowl to her head and used that as a guide. Her clothes strongly resemble men’s clothes - flat black loafers, trousers, and a button-down shirt (buttoned all the way to her neck). Oddly enough though, she has some interesting jewelry, from her travels abroad for work.

She only shows up to practice on Wednesdays. She shows up, puts her gear bag on the deck – open for all to see the contents as we walk from the locker room to the pool. She generally has a baggie of maxi pads and tampons on the top of the pile in her bag (further proof that she’s not a man?), which ew. Is it really that difficult to put your bag in the locker room like everyone else? The building is generally secure with little threat of things being stolen. Unfortunately, she likes to swim in my lane, which sucks, b/c her lane etiquette is horrible, and she’s actually much faster than she thinks she is. She always skips warm up and stretches. Then puts her cap on, without cramming all of her hair inside the cap. She’s got her bangs and the back of her hair sticking out of the cap. Which begs the question, what’s the point of wearing a cap? And really, I just can’t get past this whole hair/cap issue, b/c its really just so weird. And then the most annoying swimming feature – she refuses to wear flippers for the “flipper designated” swim sets. Which just upsets the natural order of things, as you really don’t have much time in between sets to set up a new swim order. Oh and did I mention she’s an over-achiever during practice? Little to no rest, and she swims more distance than what is required which usually causes her to swim over into the next set, which again upsets the rest of the swimmers in the lane b/c we have to accommodate her and fit her actions into our new set and swim order.

And then finally, the “what’s grosser than gross” portion of her demeanor. After practice, most of us generally take a shower in hopes that our skin won’t glow green from all the chlorine. So, I’m happily enjoying the hot water after practice. And every Wednesday, my post-workout vegetative state in the shower is interrupted by the sound of her blowing snot rockets IN THE SHOWER. She seriously can’t wait to get out of the shower and use tissue. And this morning was particularly gross, as she did this about 6 times and the drain was semi-clogged. Every time she shot a rocket, I mumbled “gross”. She’s pretty clueless and definitely would not see this as a hint. But for some reason, I can’t manage to bitch-up and chew her ass out for this disgusting act. Which is very uncharacteristic of me, b/c generally, there’s nothing I love more than to get my bitch on. Maybe I have been inhaling a few too many chlorine fumes?

2 comments:

Jess said...

Gross...just gross..."

Suzanne said...

Ewww. I had a college roommate who blew her nose EVERY time she showered.

So, I'm assuming this lady showers with her suit on? What DOES she wear to swim in? I would think most ladies suits would show if she was packing something?