Sunday, October 09, 2005

Why can't he just go away?

My dad and I do not get along. Well, in his head, he thinks that he is a great father and I'm the messed up one for not wanting a relationship with him. In reality, he was very emotionally abusive to me - to the point where I became physically ill. I on more than one occasion tried to explain to him what he was doing to me - and he just turned what I said around on me and said it was examples of how selfish and horrible I was. I don't know. Being on pain killers when you're 15 b/c you're so stressed out over what your dad does to you that you can't move your neck or back really isn't what I would call healthy. Long story short, he is a horrible, evil example of a human being, took custody of my younger brother and has completely screwed him up, and I basically booted him out of my life shortly after my 16th birthday. Because if I didn't do that, I really don't think I'd be alive or sane at this point.

Despite the fact that he's evil, karma has yet to recoginze this. Which sucks in ways well beyond what words can express. It can really only be expressed in horrible, exhausting sobs and tears that are specially reserved for him and the way he torments me.

Normally, I go on about my life never even thinking of him. Which is great, all things considered. But he has this nasty habit of doing something every 1.5 years (give or take a few months) that makes him pop up again on my radar, which results in a minimum of 2 days to about a week of depression and tears.

In the past, his re-appearance in my life has been by him sending me letters that he's been writing over time and then he'll mail them to me in hopes he'll guilt me into caring, hiring a P.I. to get my personal information and then him calling me "to see how I am" (that was a short conversation), to him sending me a letter about how great his life is and attaching a short story he'd written about a camping trip we took when I was 8 (which was so full of lies that it made me question my childhood and memories). Then this past Friday, my mom mailed me a news article about him The man formerly known as my father has donated the largest contribution ever to his alma matter - so much in fact that they've now named a branch of the university after him.

I've known about him having money for a while (he made a smaller contribution about 5 years ago). I know he "discovered" some large natural gas supply and is now worth way more money than someone that evil should ever see. I know that he keeps my brother at arms length and on the payroll (with the agreement that he won't appear on his doorstep - b/c what would his rich neighbors think?). And I know that what pisses him off more than anything is that his responsible and upstanding daughter - who would be great for press releases such as for this University donation - will have nothing to do with him. Its his desire to "look good" to his following and public that drives him to reappear in my life.

So, I read through this newspaper clipping. And like and idiot I had to go online and read the release from the University. There's video interviews, photos, all sorts of crap. And just seeing pictures of him sent me into sobbing hysterics in about 5 minutes. When this happens, I always start out saying to myself "no problem, this is routine, you can handle it." But then I settle into this haze of memories of my past, think about how horrible he was, and how much different my life could be now if only I made one simple phone call. If I called him, I'd never have a financial worry again. Ever. However, the strings that would be attached to that money would strangle and kill me. But I can't help thinking of the "what ifs". Especially when I'm so sick of my job - so tired of working. But I must be strong and not give in to what's "easy".

I just think over how when I was younger, he'd drive us home from our court-ordered every-other-weekend visit, and he'd sit and write out his child support check ($500/month for 2 kids - when he owned his own oil exploration company). The whole time he'd be writing this check, he'd bitch about how much he resented having to make out this check every month and how horrible my mom was. Then he'd hand ME the check and then it was my job to hand it to my mother. And there was the time when I had my wisdom teeth removed and he refused to pay for his share of the surgery. But instead he went to Hawaii on vacation and was kind enough to send me a postcard with a stick figure drawn on it - the stick figure was meant to be me and it was his way of expressing how he wish I could be on vacation with him instead of RECOVERING FROM SURGERY. And how after he got custody of my brother, he went on an african safari, and instead of taking my brother with, or paying someone to care for him, he put him in basically a juvanile detenion hall. There's tons of examples where he had money and for whatever sick reason, he wouldn't provide for his kids.

But now, he is more than willing to help out who knows how many people, as long as he gets the publicity and his name on the door.

I guess all I can hope for is that someday karma will kick in. I'm hoping that this happens sooner than later, because it seems that every time he reappears on my radar, it gets harder and harder for me to stand my ground. I get tired of the waves of grief and my husband's inability to even remotely have a clue of what to say to make me feel better. I get tired of the battle of ethics going on in my head. I get tired of feeling like I have to do the right thing all the time while others involved get all the benefits. And I get tired of the fact that this cycle will continue every 1.5 years until he finally decides to go away for good.

All in all, I'm just tired.


kt said...

damn erin. i'm so sorry =(

Jess said...

That just sucks, E. Doesn't it suck to be in the "My Dad sucks beyond belief" club?

Hugs to you!